Buried Alive

Buried Alive….that is pretty much how I feel right now. 

This weekend was amazing a great family get together with food, fireworks and a great bonfire. It as a success. People had a good time and my food all went to plan. 

But I spent two days cooking. Lots of time preparing and I haven’t managed to catch my breath.

With that and lots of people needing lots from me and at every turn feeling like I am not good enough or doing a good job it is taking it’s toll. 

Everywhere I turn I am charging too much and being made to feel worthless. Trying my hardest to understand what someone means only to feel like I’m a frustrating when all I am trying to do is help. 

Don’t get me wrong I have clients I love working with. Those who share something of themselves with me. Those who are grateful when I go the extra mile. But still it comes back to people wanting it done for a cheap as can be making me feel like my knowledge and skill is worthless. 

None of this is helped by the fact that I have become rubbish at remembering to take my anti depressants making my mood and overall wellbeing all over the place and the fact that it is November and I don’t get to see my husband hardly at all! 

I am tired. I am lonely and I am feeling sorry for myself. All of which hinder any hope of weight loss or regaining control over my life!

I just can’t breath. But I WILL keep fighting!!

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Torn in Two

The last few weeks have been rather tricky, there has been a lot of back and forth. We love being in the caravan, it is so much closer for Alan’s work and we have more time together so I will never complain.

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However we do have a house, a stone built, 4 walled, warm, sturdy house. One with a big kitchen, 2 showers and a very comfy sofa and soon we will be unable to say this is the case. So we need to be making the most of it and actually live in the house a little.

I am so torn!

Not only do we have a house we ought to be making the most of but also trying to live in two places at once is mad and starting to get a bit confusing and messy. Even just having the constant situation with food, making sure there is bits for Alan’s lunch and margarine and the basics. Milk for instance, even if we are there for one night it is nice to have milk for tea!

This is all made harder by the fact that I am the one that needs to pack the caravan up or pack the house up ready to move from one to the other. That means thinking about my clothes, Alan’s clothes for work and at home, warm clothes, slippers, Alan’s xbox, my computer, the Now TV box +controller (I forgot it once which was not helpful) food, any kitchen bits. Any food left in the fridge, emptying the bin, making sure the washing up is done, ensuring the place is tidy and I have fuel.

Then doing all the same again a week later….I also have to make sure we have shower gel in both locations, toilet roll in both places, bin bags and sandwich bags in both homes, toothpaste wherever we are.

The biggest issue we have had is last night. So after Alan showered and we were about to get in to bed, like 11:30, I went to put my phone on charge….only to realise the one thing I has forgotten this time around was BOTH phone chargers.

My phone on 10%, Alan’s on 11%

Bugger!!

One of the main issues being that we rely on our phones to wake us up in the morning and Alan needed to be up at 5:30. So at 11:30 last night we were hunting round the house for any spare chargers or cables…….10 minutes later we were getting dressed and heading out to the 24hour Tesco in Wrexham (So glad we were at Ivy) to purchase 2 new chargers.

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Now we have chargers in both places….that stops that issue.

This weekend, is BONFIRE NIGHT!! Very exciting as we are having a family party with food, fun and fireworks. I will share some pictures next week. Alan is excited, apparently it is very grown up to be able to buy fireworks and actually light them!! Here is my trial run of Cupcakes!

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Feeling Blue

Feeling a bit like shit (excuse my french). 

I am feeling tired and really low today. I am also loosing my mojo with weight loss today and feeling like it’s a very long uphill battle that I am not strong enough for. 

It’s silly really, the first week of following weight watchers and sticking to plan I managed to loose 4lb which I was really happy with. This week I have been doing more walking but found the food side of things harder. 

My husband works a long way from home and the hours he works means he is often home rather late and I end up losing my mojo for cooking. Meaning I get lazy and don’t bother cooking proper meals. This is my own battle.  But the other thing is that we end up eating really late which isn’t great either! 

Maybe I need to try and get into the habit of having my dinner at 6 and reheating his tea. But then it’s not exactly fair for him to always have left overs. It’s a battle also due to the fact that I like eating with him and eating dinner on my own is a rather lonely thought! 

This week we are looking after another dog so walking him twice a day has been great and given me a good reason to have to go out walking making that easier. Though today I felt like I had to force myself out of bed in the morning let alone out the front door for a walk. Just an all round low day I suppose.

Work wise it has been good. Got lots of work done which is positive but that has meant a lot of time sat in front of my computer which can be very lonely work. 

Feeling just generally low and pathetic and rather gross but Alan has been great this evening trying to encourage me with how well I have been doing and the difference he has seen. But more than this, he said to me that I need to learn to face one battle at a time. I have a habit of letting everything get to me and worrying about so many things all at once that I end up drowning. 

We have a house to sell

We have a house to build

I have my freelance work

I have my other work

I want a dog

We want kids

I want to loose weight

I want to improve my joints and fitness

We are trying to live in two places at once

We have work to do to the caravan

We really need to be saving money

I feel fat and hideous

I feel I am not good enough for him 

I feel bad that sometimes I dont manage to wake alan up as early as he wants for work.

I worry Alan isn’t happy

I worry there is more I should be doing 

All of these in one go is too much for my little head to handle at once. A lot of it is stupid to worry about as it’s just self depreciating and other things are out of my control or not a concern for a few more months. I need to pick my battle and that, for the time being, needs to be the weight loss and fitness as in theory that is what will help to improve my mental health, self esteem and life in general. 

But it is bloody hard and today I wish things were different. 

I Love This Place

There are many great things in life and things I am grateful for, even though I may struggle with feeling happy all the time and fighting self doubt I can’t help but love life when I get to wake up to a view like this…

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And though I used to fight against any washing up as a kid who can complain when you get to wash up with this view….

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Even though we are still struggling to sell our house it is still nice to see this view and think of the future and what will be our dream home and the start of the rest of our lives. I really can’t wait to see things start happening.

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As I have just mentioned, we have still had no success with the sale of our house, this is beginning to get frustrating now, I know I said this blog would be all about the building process and showing the house grow up. Sadly nothing has happened so there has been nothing to blog about. So I will also be blogging about my weight loss and Snowdon Challenge, as well as the house.

So at the moment we have been working on getting the caravan up to snuff, so we are trying to insulate the place a little more. We have new rubber seals on the windows,which so far has made a MASSIVE difference. Not only with regards to warmth but also noise from the rain, wind or road. We got lucky, we hadn’t even thought about it but we stumbled across this stuff in Lidl. £1.78 for 8m of it, total bargain!!

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We have also bought new carpet, cheap from the end of roll left overs. We have also got on order some new fancy pants underlay that is apparently very good. So we are going to lay the underlay on top of what we have already (the lovely pink carpet) then the new stuff on top in the hope it helps to insulate the floor a little more.

We have bought some thermal lining for curtains to add and hopefully help the windows not loose as much heat. Along with thermal curtains to hang on the doors we have a new oil radiator to keep the room nice and snug at night.

Another big change is that we ripped out the dinning room seats and table to be replaced with a set of shelves for a pantry and a folding table to be my desk. This area is currently a lino flooring so we are going to put carpet down here and then a strip of lino to help insulate and update the kitchen floor.

I will post some pictures once we are done with the modifications and updates to the flooring. I think it will make a big difference. We have have also been improving the outside. As the weather has turned we have put a path in place as it was getting a tad muddy. Well we are mostly done with the path, it has just taken a lot longer than we thought. We also need to finish the decking walkway and steps up to the caravan and then we plan to clad the bottom of the caravan and insulate that too.

We are trying to work as much as possible in the evenings and weekends to get bits done while still splitting our time between the caravan and our house while we wait for that to sell.

As Promised

Firstly, my starting day has been a success food wise. Stuck to plan and had a good breakfast, nice lunch and LOVELY dinner!! See picture above! 14 point dinner! 

However has promised the starting point picture and it is hideous so I apologise! 

It’s minging but hopefully I will not feel so horrified by a photo of me sometime in the future…

A Brutal Truth & A New Chapter

The ‘Brutal Truth’ – I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself and find it very hard to see anything good about me. I am often heard to say I hate myself and this is starting to become a serious issue step for me.

I am 27 and have suffered with low self esteem and self loathing for as long as I can remember. I honestly can’t think of a time when I felt I looked nice, and seeing as I got married a little over a year ago it is sad to think that even then I didn’t believe I looked beautiful. I hate to see myself in pictures as it shows me just how bad everything has become and how huge I truly am.

The last couple of years I have been struggling with depression and this almost entirely stems from my size and the way I look. A childhood full of bullying for my size has helped to solidify and confirm the way I feel regardless of what people around me may say. I mean why would I believe those who love me that I look fine, they just don’t want to upset me. Or so my head always seems to feel.

For as long as I can remember I have also suffered with Hypermobility, only on a low level but it has plagued my life with agony whenever I do any form of walking, exercise or even standing for long periods of time. I remember times when I was little I would wake up screaming and nothing would get rid of the pain, I remember my mum sat rubbing my knees and using hot water bottles to try and ease the pain. Numerous attempts to seek help have gone so far as to give me physio exercises to ‘try and make it manageable’, not exactly helpful.

This however has meant that walking and any kind of exercise can cause me a serious amount of pain so subconsciously I would avoid any situation that would mean walking or exercise as it led to pain. This has aided my issues with weight, which then in turn makes the pressure on my joints worse and then make it more painful to do exercise, which makes my weight increase more……it’s a rather nasty cycle which has gotten WAY out of control.

Initially the pain would be my knees, now it is my ankles, knees and hips that hurt and make it very painful to do long periods of walking. And so my size has continued to get out of control and my depression and self hatred more intense.

But I HAVE to change…

I HAVE to get better…

It is going to be a long bloomin’ road. I will have to start slow and I am going to find it hard. But not only do I need to do it for my self esteem but my health and also my Husband, we want a family and that is not a safe or sensible thing when I am the size of a whale!

So I am going to post a picture tomorrow, of the starting point, I am too embarrassed to publicly say my current weight (yes I feel that disgusted) but I will track the amount lost, but I feel it is less about the number and more about the way I feel so for that reason I do not feel a starting weight is needed.

My challenge….

  • To stick to the Weight Watchers eating plan – religiously
  • To strengthen my joints and muscles to provide more support and hopefully (eventually) reduce the pain I feel
  • To train myself to get fitter!

The main thing I am aiming for…. April of 2019 I want to climb Snowdon with Alan, he loves walking and has ended up with a wife to fat and unfit to go walking with him, so he and I are going to start walking more and my aim is to walk up the intermediate route to the top of Snowdon and to make him truly proud of me!

To many this will seem like a really small and easy achievement but for an fat asthmatic with joint issues that struggles with the smallest of hills it is a bit deal and I want to start here and climb further, holidays in the Lake District, things that I want to experience that is currently hindered by how unfit and unhealthy I am.

Also I want to be the best version of me for Alan as his happiness is the most important thing for me and I want to enjoy holidays together going on adventures and seeing the world without constantly being in pain and him worrying about me as it is not a life I want for myself, my husband or our future mini me’s

So here’s to a new chapter, a new beginning and hopefully a new step towards to happiness and learning to love myself.

I know, I know….

I’ve been terrible again….but not much has happened. The house is still on the market

Still no viewings or interest in the house

Still spending a lot of weekends at the caravan and this week we have been here the whole week. I really do love having Alan home 10 minutes after he rings me at the end of his day! We have tea before 8 and actually have time for movies or to catch up on TV. 

The biggest change has been trying to sort our walkway out so that getting in and out of the caravan isn’t a pain. Though it has meant 4 trips to a builder’s merchant in 3 days. But we are getting there….slowly…. this is progress so far

This is the frame to start with 

This is with planks balanced in place ready. 

We have managed to connect the gas up now which is good. As we can do hot showers and cook!! 

So I managed to cook…..I even managed to do a roast!

I’ll keep you updated with the steps as they get finished! 

I know, I’m sorry!

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It has been a long time since I posted anything, and this is partly due to being busy but also because nothing much new has happened with regards to the house.

We have no managed to go live with Purple Bricks and fingers crossed we actually get some interest of some kind now.

The caravan still has no gas or means of getting in but we are hoping that will change this coming weekend. I will endeavour to get some pictures. My health has been a bit rocky so there hasn’t been much else going on to be honest. We had some time off together, Alan and I, which was lovely. We had some sun, some showers and lots of cuddles with my parents dog.

We also got to go to the Observatory at Kielder Water which was fascinating and eye opening. Overall life has been good recently, really enjoying the volunteering and the friends I have made there but will be sad to leave when we FINALLY move!!

Hopefully we will get the house sold soon and we can get going with the exciting future. One thing we are trying to do is start saving for the build, sadly we are hopeless at saving so any ideas on how we could go about it and stick to it, please let me know!!

Here are a few more picture from our holiday, one of my Dad with the dog!

3rd Time Lucky…

As you know, we are currently trying to sell our lovely house. Unfortunately we have so far had no luck at all which means we are unable to really push forward with the build.

I have called in a 3rd estate agent in the hope that a fresh advert and a new perspective on things will help to push the house and finally sell it as we need to be closer to Alan’s work.

Purple Bricks, all online based estate agency with a fresh approach to the selling of a house. We are hoping they are what we need and that the fees are not overly expensive. This week it will hopefully be going live with them but they have a good average around the area of how long they take to sell. Fingers crossed this will be the fresh push the house needs to get someones attention and sell.

So I spent a large amount of time last week, tidying and sorting the house again, it looks lovely but I have to try and keep it that way!

Along with the interior looking good, the exterior has had a few improvements with new flowers at the front and some nice plants coming out in the back garden!

Please all pray, keep those fingers crossed that we get some interest soon in the house 🙂

How Times Have Changed….

After staying in the caravan last week I have managed to get a bit of a cold and the house is now a mess as we haven’t really been here. I have also been working at Quinta helping with Admin work for the last couple of weeks which takes my mornings, then with Volunteering 3 times a week I haven’t had much time at home or to try and feel better.

So today I am taking the day to focus a little on my freelance work and get the house tidied up and looking clean again. Still battling this cold which is now making me cough, anyone who knows me will know that means I am constantly doing a walrus impression!

This weekend though I haven’t been at home, or seen Alan, which was strange. On Friday afternoon I drove to Tunbridge Wells which is where I grew up. Saturday was the Hen do for one of my close friends Fran, she was one of my bridesmaids so I had to be there for her too. Well the Hen do was in Norwich not Kent, but a friend from school was going so we planned to go up together and as it is such a long way from home I was able to stay with her on the friday to make the travel a little easier.

This is Fran! She is a gorgeous person all round and this is my favourite picture of us from my Wedding.

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Izzy is someone I was close with at school and sadly lost contact with after sixth form, so we are talking probably 8 years since we have seen each other. Needless to say I was a little anxious seeing her again. I definitely didn’t need to be, she is as lovely as she always has been and exactly the same generous and kind person. It felt like no time had passed and it was lovely to see her again and to meet her little girl.

This was us 8 years ago!!

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We made it to Norwich in time for getting out nails done with the group of girls for the Hen do where I was able to see another old friend, who again I haven’t seen in like 8 years. It was strange but lovely to see her again and see her so happy in her life with her own little family.

It took a few hours to get up to Norwich which gave Izzy and I a chance to catch up and there was a lot to catch up on. Lots has happened over the last 8 years and it struck me just how amazing Izzy is. She has been to hell and back over the last 8 years and it is inspiring to see how strong she is and how grounded she is. I have the highest levels of respect for the women, friend, mum, girlfriend, carer, daughter and all round person she has become. I am terrible for being bad at staying in touch but I will make every effort to be there for her and be a friend to her properly. She is a superstar!

 

House update!

Well we’ve still had no interest at all in the house at the moment, so we are still living in Wrexham, Alan is still commuting and still exhausted. We have been contacted by a different estate agent who are going to be round on Wednesday to talk things through and do a valuation on the property so fingers crossed this will help.

More steel work has arrived om site and I think the bricks have been ordered too, all the plumbing for the caravan has been put into place and covered so that’s good, still just need some gas sorted and a means of getting in and out of the caravan which is still rather tricky.

Alan and I have also decided that we need to get back on track with the weight loss and fitness, which we had kind of started and have recently lost track of. So I am going to push myself, go to the gym, eat better, eat less and try to drink more and be healthier. We have both set goals for what we want to loose by John and Sarah’s wedding in August so we will try our hardest. NO MORE TAKEAWAYS!!!!