The ‘Brutal Truth’ – I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself and find it very hard to see anything good about me. I am often heard to say I hate myself and this is starting to become a serious issue step for me.
I am 27 and have suffered with low self esteem and self loathing for as long as I can remember. I honestly can’t think of a time when I felt I looked nice, and seeing as I got married a little over a year ago it is sad to think that even then I didn’t believe I looked beautiful. I hate to see myself in pictures as it shows me just how bad everything has become and how huge I truly am.
The last couple of years I have been struggling with depression and this almost entirely stems from my size and the way I look. A childhood full of bullying for my size has helped to solidify and confirm the way I feel regardless of what people around me may say. I mean why would I believe those who love me that I look fine, they just don’t want to upset me. Or so my head always seems to feel.
For as long as I can remember I have also suffered with Hypermobility, only on a low level but it has plagued my life with agony whenever I do any form of walking, exercise or even standing for long periods of time. I remember times when I was little I would wake up screaming and nothing would get rid of the pain, I remember my mum sat rubbing my knees and using hot water bottles to try and ease the pain. Numerous attempts to seek help have gone so far as to give me physio exercises to ‘try and make it manageable’, not exactly helpful.
This however has meant that walking and any kind of exercise can cause me a serious amount of pain so subconsciously I would avoid any situation that would mean walking or exercise as it led to pain. This has aided my issues with weight, which then in turn makes the pressure on my joints worse and then make it more painful to do exercise, which makes my weight increase more……it’s a rather nasty cycle which has gotten WAY out of control.
Initially the pain would be my knees, now it is my ankles, knees and hips that hurt and make it very painful to do long periods of walking. And so my size has continued to get out of control and my depression and self hatred more intense.
But I HAVE to change…
I HAVE to get better…
It is going to be a long bloomin’ road. I will have to start slow and I am going to find it hard. But not only do I need to do it for my self esteem but my health and also my Husband, we want a family and that is not a safe or sensible thing when I am the size of a whale!
So I am going to post a picture tomorrow, of the starting point, I am too embarrassed to publicly say my current weight (yes I feel that disgusted) but I will track the amount lost, but I feel it is less about the number and more about the way I feel so for that reason I do not feel a starting weight is needed.
- To stick to the Weight Watchers eating plan – religiously
- To strengthen my joints and muscles to provide more support and hopefully (eventually) reduce the pain I feel
- To train myself to get fitter!
The main thing I am aiming for…. April of 2019 I want to climb Snowdon with Alan, he loves walking and has ended up with a wife to fat and unfit to go walking with him, so he and I are going to start walking more and my aim is to walk up the intermediate route to the top of Snowdon and to make him truly proud of me!
To many this will seem like a really small and easy achievement but for an fat asthmatic with joint issues that struggles with the smallest of hills it is a bit deal and I want to start here and climb further, holidays in the Lake District, things that I want to experience that is currently hindered by how unfit and unhealthy I am.
Also I want to be the best version of me for Alan as his happiness is the most important thing for me and I want to enjoy holidays together going on adventures and seeing the world without constantly being in pain and him worrying about me as it is not a life I want for myself, my husband or our future mini me’s
So here’s to a new chapter, a new beginning and hopefully a new step towards to happiness and learning to love myself.