I last posted here on the 19th of April…..that is over 2 months since the last update…this might give you a hint that there are no real updates!
There is, however, a list of current frustrations I am trying to work through….
House progress is still non existent! Okay to be fair the builder has been on site to discuss the first step and he has levelled the road to form what will be our new driveway, but that was over a week ago. Since then there has been no sign of him, I think it is due to finding more people to help with the first step so it can be done more efficiently and more quickly.
However it is now the 21st of June and we still have a field!! The hope of being water tight by winter is now becoming a pipe dream and not a realistic goal. This to me is so frustrating. I know it was my idea to live in a caravan and on the whole I am fine with it but it is hard. There is no kitchen to speak of. I HATE washing up and sadly Alan is not the tidiest of humans! Also we have now been living in the caravan nearly 7 months full time with 3 months before that being here most of the time. And still all we have is a field!
Freelance work has become a challenge. I have had a really bad experience with a client wanting a lot of work for very little money and took the decision that it was not beneficial anymore. However the whole situation has massively knocked my confidence and being a sensitive fool I feel I am no longer good enough at what I do and therefore will yet again fail and shouldn’t bother! Though all those close to me have been very quick to point out my successes, it’s still hard to see past the negatives. Or at least for me it is!
I am trying to push through and work on new things but still manage to feel like it is pointless to bother. I have worked on a few wedding stationary designs and stuff as maybe that is something I could offer. Just wish I was better at putting myself out there more!
As I mentioned a little earlier caravan life isn’t easy and I probably complain about it far too much. It’s hard as Alan isn’t here much but I spend pretty much all day every day here. It’s beautiful when it’s sunny though boiling hot inside. It can be cosy when it’s wet but then rather cold inside. Alan has been amazing at sorting out an area outside for us to use as a garden. It is secure so Ivy dog can have some freedom and a lovely outdoor area to enjoy the lighter evenings.
However we are surrounded by very long grass and a large number of trees (pretty normal for the countryside) but when you suffer from hayfever it is a bastard! This year my hayfever has been on a whole new level! I know the pollen count has been high but I have never been this bad. My asthma has been lousy causing me issues breathing and there have been times that my eyes are so bad I can’t open them!
I love sneezing (it’s an amusing sensation) but waking up and doing it 10 times in a row is not the best way to welcome the day! Sadly the caravan is not the best place to be when the pollen is so high but it is beautiful and it is what we need to do to get our dream home!
We are lucky to have a beautiful family with a lot of them being close by. We are next door to Alan’s parents. 5 minutes from John and Sarah (Alan’s twin and his wife) 15 mins from Liz and Nath (Alan’s sister and partner) and about 45 minutes from my parents. However we are a long way from Alan’s other sister and her partner Stewart but even further from my brother, his wife and my gorgeous little nephew James. I was able to meet him not long after he was born but being so far away I feel I am missing a lot and wish I could be around to help more to support my brother and Alice in this amazing and scary new chapter. I find it so frustrating how hard it is to find the time and money to get down to see them and we are unable to have them visit us as we are in a caravan! But look how adorable he is!
Finance is a big thing for us at the moment. Obviously we are trying to save so we can build our house as best we can with all the added features we want. However this has not been easy for us. We are not the world’s best savers.
However for me the frustration comes from the fact that Alan is working his butt off for us. He works long hours in a physically draining job to help support himself, me and us and then try and save on top of that. Yes we are having it a bit easier now that we don’t have a house to pay for in terms of mortgage, council tax or general bills But I find it so hard that he is working so much to bring this in and I am doing nothing to help us.
Alan is a true gent and is 100% happy to financially support me and I love that about him but when we are trying to save so much as well I feel like I haven’t been doing my part
Especially now that I am struggling with my freelance work confidence etc. So I have been looking for part time work and have been lucky enough to find some flexible work that will help to bring in a little bit each month that can go towards savings and help me to feel I am actually a help and not a hindrance!
I have to start this one of by saying I love our dog massively I really do she is awesome but I feel like I have lost a lot since we had her. I know I know I was so desperate for one! She hasn’t coped well with being left on her own so it has made it difficult for me on a day to day basis. However she has been getting a bit better.
We have just had her spayed and that has meant I have been house bound (well caravan bound) for the last 3 days. I have done all her training. I do all the walking and feeding and poo picking up and making sure she is okay. Maybe I’m a bit of a helicopter mum but still it is a lot of responsibility and annoyingly if she needs the loo in the night it is me she will always wake up!
I love her to bits but it does make going away more expensive and going out a bit of a logistical nightmare. She is still super cute though even with the cone of shame!
I’m still fat!
Okay so that’s a bit harsh.
I have been signed up properly to weight watchers for 6 months now and go to meetings when I can. And I have lost a decent amount of weight but I still hate to see my reflection and feel gross all the time. This frustration is really with myself and my inability to have restraint, to eat healthy and not stuff my face with really bad food!!
I am still working on it though!
I have a massive inability to see the positives in anything. I seem to keep letting the depression get the better of me. I don’t know why.
I find it so hard to remember or accept just how loved I am by so many beautiful family members and the few friends I have. I forget that above all that I have Alan who would do anything for me. That loves me just they way I am when I find it so hard to see why. Someone who has been there for me through so much and really is the most amazing person I know.
I am lucky enough to have an amazing best friend who I may not see everyday but is always there and is always understanding. A beautiful lady inside and out who is gorgeous and doesn’t even know it. She means the world to me and I truly would be lost without her.
The two of them together keep me going and though I am a pain in the arse, a negative nelly and hopeless a lot of the time. They love me and pull me through and help me to see what is going on and the positives I seem so good at over looking!
I am aware of how wingy this post will sound and I don’t mean it to be. I know there are people in the world with far more shit to deal with. I also know that I am incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to build my dream home and try to build a business of my own and work for myself. I get that I am lucky to have the family network I do and the friends I have but there is a lot going on and my little head full of darkness can find it tough to see those things. I am striving to be better but who knows how long it might take for the clouds to clear fully and bring the glorious sunshine and blue sky everyone strives for!!
This is a little something I made for my bestie and it is definitely something I need to try and do too!!